Talking Cad!

last night, i had the weirdest dream involving some girl i havent been talking to for a while, and i actually felt much better (in the dream… lol) that we were able to talk properly for once, and put aside all previous faults, mistakes and awkwardness. lets not divulge her identity eh.

anyway, birthday’s tomorrow, valentine’s + CNY on sunday, NS enlistment’s in 15 more days. shucks.

the recent and frequent visits to barbar have presented to me the notion that perhaps hellboy and i have yet to break free from the vicious cycle that is life.

i have 3 good friends, “brownie”, “biceps” and “demi-god”, and it seems that they are all attached, well almost.

“brownie” has been attached for quite a while already, and doing good.

“biceps” has just gotten attached recently, and should be doing well too, if not for the fact that he has already enlisted as of today.

“demi-god” has a wide variety of picks, and is still making his choice, he’s essentially a good man; just spoilt for choice.

and as they all say, once your buddy gets the girlfriend, all other friendships ultimately end.

i guess, in this paradox of irony, its back to “hell-boy” once more.

pffft.

yesterday, after i finished work on saturday night at 11pm, i realized i couldnt get home on time. work finishes at 11 pm at marina bay. the nearest mrt is marina bay, and i needed to take 2 buses + 1 mrt, or 3 buses. in any case, i was definitely not able to take so many public transports, when all of them cease operations at 12pm. due to a bad experience of taking a cab with a midnight surcharge ($12.80), while i get only $27.50 per 5-hour shifts, it seems that i wouldnt be earning shit. as much as i wanted to use the money in my nets account which number in the low hundreds, i knew this was a pointless and stupid affair. essentially, i would only be earning $15 if i was lucky. hence, i walked from newton mrt to NUS, then took bus 170 home.

anyway, my moral of the story is that i have come to a point when all meaning has ceased. monotonous repetition (perhaps monotonous is redundant here) at work, mundane life at home, the lacking of social interaction underscores my seeking of attention indeed. moreover, if i work to earn, and earn to spend, spend for fun, and fun does not equate to stressing myself.

NS enlistment is on 25th February, and im nowhere physically prepared, let alone mentally prepared. okay maybe im just talking rubbish because i cant sleep and drank abit earlier.

if you havent heard, im working as a waiter part-time, up to four days a week, 6-hour shifts, $5.50 an hour. how shall i describe work? as a waiter, i stand up to 6 hours a day, performing menial tasks, and have to serve the  ladies along the cuppage area who too “serve” the customers who patronize their “shops”.

yet, work seems fulfilling i must say. almost more fulfilling than doing all sorts of charity works during the holidays, and then go into the army feeling empty all over again. i made a promise to go for my church youth fellowship before going into the army, there’s still 5 weeks, we shall see about that.

life is rather boring without school, and especially without the excellent results that everyone else seems to have. chancing onto someone’s facebook wall, alright maybe not really chancing, i realized that someone is somewhat quite a poor thing, with like a million guys hitting on her wall, and she tries to be nice by replying them. i have no idea how the work topic veered this way, but im really bored right now.

not even drinking with eejit can drive away the emptiness that plagues me. interesting.

its been a while since i have blogged. while im still rather annoyed over my bad and somewhat undeserving results, i realized there’s nothing much i can do. as the great mr.yap says, “look at your current options with _ _ points.” so as for remarking, retaking subjects… well thats life for you.

on a happier note, at bren’s house, i drank quite abit of absolut vodka (40%), and for the first time in my life, i actually felt carefree on the 7th cup i think.

and yes, i lost 8 kg. 7 more to go.

if it is something you want, then it is something definitely worth fighting for. common sense, logic, time and effort are only sacrifices to be made. hesitation and reluctance are necessary to make the fight more worthwhile.

i will make these sacrifices eventually. will you?

i am humbled.

my gosh, its finally 6 Jan. its 2.51 am, someone seems to be walking outside my house, and my dog barks occasionally every now and then at that stranger. the neighbour is prolly going to call the police and get everyone all flustered and annoyed. mum’s on some weird camp, and isnt coming home for the night. i am free to use the computer until i drop dead, so that in 9 hours, i dont have to whine about not being able to go on stage and collect my “exemplary” results. my eyes are tired, my fingers are sore, my muscles are aching, and im struggling to keep awake.

and yes, i am very much screwed.

as of late, insomnia haunts me every night
in the depths of the darkness void of light
i sit on my bed thinking of the near future
my soul the dying prey, insomnia the vulture

i think of many things, and not just a simple one
how things could have been, and now there’s none
nothing in this world seems to ease the restlessness
yet, results are the top worry i must surely confess

after the results, there’s her, a problem so long unsolved
the fault, blame,  guilt upon me yet to be finally absolved
random ramblings may have led one to believe its not just her
yet they were distractions, leading away and mainly to deter

last but not least, there’s still the excitement of national service
how it is a rite of passage, for me to evolve into man from boy
ironically, it will be then i will learn every bad habit and vice
perhaps then too, my attitude will change into outgoing from coy.